A few puns
1. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
2. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
3. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
4. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
5. A person sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
[This was printed in the newspaper as a true story; maybe it was.]
Super Granny: A True Story
An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car you scum bags!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat.
She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.
She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.